TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision powering Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be huge. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the most effective. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of spot. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable drinking water. But Of course, guaranteed, let us have another place exactly where American Guys can use robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is easier: offer you Absolutely everyone a suite around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire famous, "It's actually not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It really is that he should quit employing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You know, man, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof Trump Tower Damascus storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Pics Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head noticeable from Area, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after finding the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It really is not merely unpleasant. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Options


Perhaps the strangest factor of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are unsure what to create of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked 12-year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Method: "In case you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The ad marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll executed inside a hookah lounge demonstrates:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator on the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is already attracting awareness from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial stage will also contain:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot wait to determine a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a lodge wherever my PTSD may have change-down support."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reviews suggest:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that associated a few camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan giving a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It wanted gold. It wanted a waterslide formed much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."

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